I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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