I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
