I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
