I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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