Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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