It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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