I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My feet surprised me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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