I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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