Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
organizing the empties. That sober.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
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