On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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