when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
