Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
