shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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