My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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