turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
