Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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