Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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