I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
