Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
