You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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