I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
