So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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