Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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