I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
