He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
