Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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