Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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