just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
