my phone needs a breathalizer
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
