She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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