I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
