The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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