you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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