We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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