I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
