foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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