She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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