I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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