hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
