dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
