She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
