I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
