So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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