Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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