Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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