It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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