I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
