i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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