I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
