I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
